SHOUT ALOUD 4!! My first time attending and deffo not my last (well hopefully it’s not the last one. The whole concert was well organised, it was LIT!! Their voices! The spoken word?! WAS DEEP *insert finger clicking*
Anyway moving on!
This year I made up my mind that I was going to attend before it was even announced there was going to be one or when it was. So eventually I booked my coach! (The way my bank account was set up) the cheapest coach was at 8 in the morning! And I made sure I got it. I had a mission, I was determined to go! People were asking me – who you going with blah blah, at the time it was just me and would get reactions like “aww bless you” . This concert was not going to be my opportunity to have reunions or just a weekend plan with the sqqquuuuaaaadddd!! It was going to be the night that was going to change my life!
I have struggled with ANXIETY FOR YEAAAARRRRRSSS! Which might come as a surprise to others, my anxiety was so bad that even at work (I work in accounting) I would get anxiety attacks just because my accounts where not balancing.
Late last year/Early this year – I had a dream, I dreamt that a group of people all dressed in black with hoodies were CHASING AFTER ME! Like literally sprinting to catch me! But in the dream my speed must have been like Usain Bolt’s because they didn’t catch me. I was running in this open space that even if I tried to hide they would have seen me hiding and would have known exactly where I was. But in a split of a second , I hid somewhere- I could see them but they couldn’t see me in this open space ! . And whilst I was still hiding I saw the man of God our father Baba Guti (Apostle Ezekiel Guti). He said a blessing over me and I quickly woke up because that dream was too vivid! It shook me, so I decided to call my pastor and told him about it and just how real and vivid the dream was and how I felt it couldn’t just be a normal dream. He then reassured me that when you meet Baba Guti (Apostle Ezekiel Guti) in a dream it’s actually an angel! (The relevance of this? The blessing that was spoken)
You know that person who always wants to be reassured about every decision they make? That’s me! That person that when you give negative feedback- they don’t fight back, they just take it? That’s me. You know that person who works so hard in a ministry in church and if the team is slacking she will just take the load on, even if it’s destroying her emotionally and spiritually! Because actually the majority are going to benefit from that hard work – THAT WAS ME!
I DECIDED not to put myself first because I wasn’t capable of doing that!
Certain things God spoke to me about , involved me letting a LOT of people down (those that care and those that don’t ) I told myself this can’t be God! Asking me to do things that go against my personality. Which is putting others feelings first before my own (it sounds like such a nice characteristic to have right?!) but chaaaiiiii the devil had me!! The enemy will use something that is almost true to destroy you or to have a hold on you! And for me my personality was what he used.
But eventually I was TIRED , I couldn’t intercede in prayer for others as much as I could before , I just wasn’t as effective anymore so
April 2017 – I made up my mind , I wasn’t going to do anything in church anymore because I was TIRED SPIRITUALLY , I stepped down from hosting , I stopped being the secretary for Naioth (FIFMI church branch/assembly) , I said no to doing anything in church . So from taking away those responsibilities I was supposed to feel lighter and recharged. But no I was heartbroken for the longest time. Then I became angry – God how could I be in a position to be idle in your house – why did you let me get so burnt out, to the point of having to give it all up ? But hey God is a God who has a reason for all!!!
Anyway so Ropa started singing a praise song about Freedom (can’t remember what it was called or how it goes lol!) and I physically felt the Holy Spirit take out all I was holding onto, like the guilt of feeling I wasn’t doing much in church anymore, but it was painful because to me that guilt was my way of reminding myself that I love working for God. I was comfortable with it. The anxiety that had taken a higher place than God in my life was being PULLED OUT! As we continued to praise God my spirit became lighter and more sensitive.
Every promise God ever placed in my heart came back to my memory (Promises that are so many years old !) , and it felt like I was going through surgery- someone cutting me up , taking out the shame , guilt , the anger , the anxiety and putting those promises in me and then stitching me up! It was painful- but during this moment my mind was not like in cloud nine where you don’t care about your surroundings etc.!! My scream was about to be louder and then I realised the band was getting quieter and I wasn’t going to be that girl who disrupted the concert! So instead I tried to be quieter and the quieter I was trying to be; the pain became more! But I couldn’t stop the work from going forward.
But with every song my “stitches” were healing! Then when Tracy started singing I wasn’t in pain I felt elevated, for a good 15 minutes it felt like I was in a space where it was just me and God (like it felt like my spirit went somewhere-don’t know how to word this!) but that’s the best I can do . In that place God showed me every plan He had for me that I shut down in the name of “putting others first” he showed me how heartbroken he was as he saw me disregarding myself. He showed me how it broke Him that I felt others were more important than me. He showed how it hurt him that I felt my happiness didn’t matter. After realisation. Every promise upon my life that I had closed up, was opened up!
God’s presence intensified, every part of me consumed! (I mean I have had many personal encounters with God which I’m grateful for) but yesterday the intensity of God’s love was like never before. I started rejoicing as CLG sang you are Alpha and Omega. And as I came back to “real life” from that space I was at exactly 9pm- my designated driver texted me like “it’s time to go we have a two hour journey”
I left that concert totally healed and totally believing that
I AM WORTH IT ALL!
I AM CHOSEN
I shouldn’t contain God’s favour in me, how will others see God’s glory if you hide it?
And slightly annoyed that I wasn’t there to see the concert finish! Lol!
But thank you @CLG for ministering to me with your heaviningly voices! But above all thank you God for loving me.